Getting Our Name Out

I left off on my last post with Mark and I getting approved. During the approval process, we were told by several people that it should not be a problem to get children within the age range we were looking for (Birth-3 years old). They did not explain how difficult or how long it takes to terminate the parental rights (or as DSS calls it T.P.R.) After we got approved, we met with the new caseworker that had been assigned to us. She then proceeded to tell us that the likelihood of us getting a child under the age of 6 years old was impossible because the judges in our region are extremely lenient with birth parents. She had been a children's representative before crossing over to representing the families' on the adoption side. She told us a story of a sibling set of 3 boys. She lined up an adoptive family to take all three. The oldest had already been T.P.R.ed. The mother had not cleaned up her act. She did not have a permenant address or employment. However, since she had passed a couple of months of drug testing the judge gave her another six months to try and get her kids back. The judge knew that each kid had been in the system for over 2 years and she had already lost rights to the first one. She said that was the last straw for her and she requested a transfer. We appreciated her honesty, but it spent us around. After meeting with her for an hour and a half, we went and sat in our car feeling very misled and heavy hearted.

We decided that if we could not get a child under 6, then we would be open to children that were older because we felt this was what we were called to do. We received an invitation to attend a children's fair at the DSS office. We did not know quite what to expect. We RSVPed anyway. We showed up that day. There were foster care workers galore from every region in South Carolina. You walked from table to table and wall to wall looking at the hundreds of pictures of children needing homes. Mark and I had to step outside and take a break after about 10 minutes. The emotional weight of all those children, of different ethnicities and localities all wishing for the same thing: a loving forever family. We regrouped and went back in and continued through the displays. Faces smiling at us, that with their experiences should have no reason to smile.They were all victim. Children born to idiots who did not realize their beauty. Then by no means of their own were cast on system that is broken and full of bureaucracy.  I wanted to take them all home. We stopped and requested information on a few of them, then we waited.

Weeks went by and we never heard from DSS about any of the children we requested information on. We were saddened. My aunt had a conversation with her good friend that works in another region of the DSS adoptions in SC. We requested that our case file be sent to that region so it could be available for the children's workers up there. My caseworker said that her supervisor would not allow her to send the case file to a different region. The process followed this line: the caseworker from the other region would have to email that supervisor and request families for the children they represented. Then the supervisor chose who of the families got submitted for review by the children's case worker. However, the supervisor gets rewarded on how many of her region's families receive children from her region. Even though at the time she had about 800 families approved and only about half of that number of children available. She would not "share her families" with other regions in SC that were desperate for adoptive families. The territorialism was unbelievable. The only ones that were suffering were the children in the system. No one cared that there were hundreds of children in other regions in the same state that needed homes. It was all about placement numbers.

After, that episode, we did not hear anything from DSS for months. We had all, but given up hope. We found out in July that we were pregnant. That was something the doctor said could not happen. We were estatic and the sting of the let down from DSS did not hurt so bad. Over Labor Day weekend, I lost the baby and had to go to the ER for emergency surgery because of where the pregnancy had attached. We were devastated. I will be honest with you. I fought with God after that. I yelled, I screamed, I cried and stared off blankly feeling alone and forgotten. I hear all these stories about women leaving their babies in trashcans or in strollersin a park and walking away to go score some drugs. Those women can have babies, but why can't I? I was angry. I had several people say you can try again. What they did not understand is it took us 3 1/2 years and a miracle to get that one. Even though they meant well "it wasn't meant to be" does not bring one comfort.

Mark and I were in a dark place for about two weeks. I came back to my desk one day at work and had a message. I checked it and it was a new caseworker calling us to introduce herself as our representative. This made the third in two years. I rolled my eyes, but was very nice to her because it was not her fault. She said I am calling to also tell you about two children we would like to place with you. I wanted to leave work and be read in on their case that day. We had to wait a week. She also said that we knew the children's representative that had picked us. It was a first caseworker. If she had not known us and chosen us for these children then we would still be waiting. As with anything else in state government, it is all about who you know.

We went and were read in. It lasted about 4 hours long. They had to read through all the history they knew on each child, medical, educational, emotional, abuse, etc. We had to sign off on each page as they finished. The last thing they showed us was their pictures. We saw pictures of how they looked when they were brought into custody,  dirty and half starved. She then showed us a picture of how tthey appeared after being in the system for a few months. They looked like different children and had gained about 10 pounds each. How anyone can treat children like that is beyond my comprehension. I wanted to say yes right then. Mark being ever logical wanted to go home and talk about it. I had him convinced by the time we got halfway home. He called the next day and said we wanted to proceed.

The next step was a visitation with the children the next Friday. We got it approved to take them to the zoo. We had an awesome time. Just seeing the wide eyed joy on the children's faces as they ran up and pressed their faces against each exhibits glass. To think that no one had ever given them a loving positive experience like this broke our hearts.

At the end of the day, we told the caseworker we wanted to move to the next step. That step was an over the weekend stay. She said since they were so young, if everything worked out over the weekend, they could arrange for them to start living with us. That occurred this past weekend. We called the case worker on Sunday night and told her we wanted them to stay.

So now the adoption process has just begun. The mother still has her rights to the kids and it could be 15 months from the date the kids entered the system before the judge orders to start the T.P.R. process. Then it could drag out of a year or two more if she decides to appeal. We are praying that she will grow a heart and relinquish her rights on her own, but we know the likelihood of that is slim to none. As we have seen over the past 2 years, anything can happen.

I will add to this blog as more develops. Thank you for reading my post!